Since we started this process, I’ve debated how much we share of our journey with all of you. Just like an actual pregnancy, nothing in this process is a sure thing. We know that, but it’s easy to forget.
I think of my girlfriends who have gotten pregnant for the first time. Literally the minute they hit the 12 week mark, out goes the announcement. Numbers are dialed, statuses are updated.
It’s real, it’s finally real!
And I think of those same girlfriends who, maybe a month or two after, have to share the heartbreaking news that their sweet miracle is no longer. And if and when they get pregnant again, they wait until the baby is near full term to say anything at all.
And now, I get it.
Soon after our last blog post, we were saddened by the realization that our birth mother changed her mind.
We had a feeling that she was growing too attached to the baby growing inside of her. The way she would talk about how she wanted it to grow up, how she wanted to name it, how she was excited about it’s cultural make up. It was clear she loved that baby with all of her heart, as would I.
I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised by what’s transpired.
Though, I thought I would feel worse. But at some point in this process, you just feel…numb? I don’t know that’s even the right way to describe it, but when you realize you have a complete lack of control over a situation, you realize that feeling sad isn’t always productive.
Not that I’m denying my sadness – trust me: I’m feeling all the feels, and then some. And this blog has been an incredible way of processing those feelings. But sometimes, it’s just not the right response. Insert anger emoji here.
But what you should all know is – we’re OK. More than OK. We’re great. Happy, even.
We’re frustrated that we’re back to square one, and feeling restless that it seems as if nothing is happening. But we have each other, and we have our incredible network of family and friends who have been our rocks every single step of this journey. You know who you are: we love you, and want to give you a real big sloppy hug.
We’ve also been flying in a cloud of goodness, recently, that’s given us so much to be grateful for – quality time with dearest friends, a calendar full of new experiences on the horizon, a trip to Iceland in two months. What’s not to love?
I also consider our short time with this birth mother as a gift – as I shared in the last post, it was during our initial conversations with her that I finally felt like a mom. I will never forget that feeling, even if I never become a mother to that particular child. For that, I am forever grateful.
And, I will never stop sharing this journey with you. There was a moment I felt that I may be looked at as the girl who cried baby, but as long as you’re OK with the roller coaster, we’d love to have you along for the ride.